Captain Bananas' Thanksgiving truisms

*Before you leave your house, it's smart to butter the doorway to accomodate the 28,472 pounds you will gain today.

*It's better to cook the night before. This way, if whatever you're making sucks, like my first batch of cookies did, there is still time for a do-over. However, just because it's best to cook the previous night doesn't mean you'll do it. Instead, you'll go to Rodeo Bar and stay out until 1:30, ya stew bum.

*If a relative calls and their message goes to your voice mail and you subsequently call back and your call goes to their voice mail, it counts as having spoken to that relative.

*If you bring a camera, shoot early because everyone looks a little beat-up after 8 hours of Thanksgiving.

*On the way home, you won't bother to check and see if it's best to take the Holland Tunnel, Lincoln Tunnel or George Washington Bridge back to the city because, after all, it's 10:30 PM on Thanksgiving day---no one will be on the highway.

*When you get home, 19 turkeys, who know where all the vegans live, will emerge from behind the stairwell wearing raincoats and Groucho Marx fake noses, eyebrows and moustaches and want to sleep with you in your bed.